26w5d June 24, 2008

Both appointments last week went well. We had an ultrasound at the perinatal office, and I did not like the woman who performed it. She kept saying “oh, he is stubborn. he is not cooperating.” I felt like socking her. He knows not what he does. The doc came in and reviewed all of the measurements and results and deemed everything good. He is measuring at 51%, not too big for his age and not too small. He said the blood flow through the placenta was good. It was a good appointment. I will start having biophysical profiles once a week, starting next Monday.

Then at the OB on Friday, the nurse said my weight gain was good, two pounds during the past month. I am now officially above my starting weight. The doc increased my BP medication as it has been hovering around the numbers they don’t want it to go above. I asked her about cord accidents, as I wanted to get it out of my head and she acknowledged that they happen but she is so blasé about it, I didn’t feel comforted at all. I know there are no guarantees in anything in life, but I just don’t get that comforting vibe from her. She is pretty dismissive.

I am having concerns about movement. When I first felt his movement it felt like kicks, bumps in my abdomen. The past week it had been feeling like waves of movement, like he was rolling or repositioning. Now the movement is much less dramatic, it feels more like gas. I know I am paranoid, but it just feels more ambiguous. I am hoping this is just natural.

25w June 12, 2008

Two more weeks in the second tri. Unbelievable. Then there’s only 3 more months to do everything that needs to be done. I just can’t believe how quickly time goes, especially the older I get (and I do have a birthday this weekend, so I am getting older). Lots of movement from the babe, until there is not, which has a tendency to freak me out. I know he’s gotta sleep but that Jewish mother is coming out in me something fierce. I’ve really got to tame that. Poor boy’s got two Jewish mothers! Talk about a double whammy.

I’ve been feeling kinda crappy at night for about a week. My blood pressure has been hovering around the top numbers that my doc wants to see, so I may be due for an increase in medication. We’ve got a perinatal appointment on Monday and an OB appointment on Friday. We usually don’t have them in the same week but maybe it is good considering things seem to be changing a little bit. I know I will get the diabetes screening in the next few weeks as well as the test for anemia. I really wouldn’t be surprised if I had anemia, as I have been so absolutely tired. Our cousin is coming this weekend and our donor has been talking about coming on the weekend of July 4th, but if he doesn’t we’ve been talking about a weekend trip to Denver, neither of us have been. It would be like our last hurrah, if I can muster a hurrah. Just feeling wiped out.

Finally In June 12, 2008

I’ve been having problems logging into wordpress for the past 10 days (while the page was loading I would get the beachball and then it would crash) and so I finally decided to try a new browser and here I am. OK. Update momentarily.

22w5d May 27, 2008

Oy, what a weekend. It was our annual family reunion with my partner’s family, which took place only about an hour away for us. Spending time with the fam was good, but those four kids are a handful. We went to the natural history museum, the zoo, the children’s museum and out to eat, and eat, and eat. I am so not used to being that busy, running around with kids and being pregnant. Just a little preview, I guess. The babe is really starting to move around and my partner has been able to feel him for the past few days. I love it. It is so amazing. She will put her head down on my belly, I will direct her to where the kicks are located, and then he will proceed to kick her in the head. So much fun.

I’ve realized that I am really feeling sorry for myself in regards to my mom, and also coming from a place of need. I don’t want a mom who is basically homebound. I want a mom who is participatory and interested, but that’s just not living in what is reality. Also, I don’t “need” her. I am whole and complete and my relationship is full and we lean on each other and get our needs filled through our love and devotion. I am trying to realize these things, and I think things will be easier on me once I come to peace with them. Everything is OK and I need to remember this.

21w1d May 16, 2008

Just some bullets for a Friday:

* Why are boy names so much harder for me than girl names?
* I can’t believe how incredibly tired I am. Around 3 p.m. every day I feel like a narcoleptic. I have seriously fallen asleep at my desk. It feel worse than when I had pneumonia or mono.
* We got rain yesterday! Glorious moisture. Hallelujah! We hadn’t had any rain for such a long time, it felt amazing. Of course it is not raining today, but I’ll take a day of it.
* I am very happy, yet still a little apprehensive about the ruling in California. I swear, we got tons of e-mails, voice mails and text asking when we are moving back now. My partner and I are engaged, but we decided that instead of spending money on a ceremony that had no legal backing anyway, we would buy a house and TTC. We’ve accomplished those things so far. And now, having a child together has totally intensified our committment to each other, I can’t even imagine how it is going to feel once the babe is here. I don’t necessarily need marriage, but if it affects our child, I would consider it.
* We are going to the big babies store on Sunday to start our registry. It is a little surreal. We have to drive down to Albuquerque, so we’ve planned this for a few weeks now. And I really have to buy some more maternity clothes as well. There’s no more hiding it folks.
* Our shower is Aug. 16, week 34. I don’t think that is too late, do you?

20w4d May 12, 2008

My post titles are so original, aren’t they? We had our 20 week ultrasound this morning. The doc said everything looks beautiful. And our sequential screening tests came back and she said that she doesn’t see better numbers than that. I was pretty nervous going in. A lot has changed since last we saw our boy on the ultrasound. I’ve gone from feeling like complete doo doo to actually feeling pretty good most of the time, minus the exhaustion. I couldn’t help but worry if something was wrong. Although during the past three or so days I have been feeling him kicking. I have to admit that I was a bit freaked out about getting to this stage. Like, WTF, having something kicking inside of you? I am finding myself up at 2, 3 or 4 a.m. and not wanting to go back to sleep because it is so amazing. OK, I did not think I would be one of those people. Pregnancy has been very difficult for me. But I can’t tell you how it feels to me, like nothing I have ever experienced (duh!). I am afraid my sleep schedule is going to be affected as I am in complete awe of this little boy already. We are so incredibly fortunate.

We’ve had a little bit of drama in planning our local shower, but I think it has resolved itself, though not without me asking how people can be so self-centered. Mother’s Day was pretty good. Survivor finale was on, which was finally a show that trumps the basketball playoffs! Will they ever end?

19w4d May 5, 2008

Pregnancy and the anticipation of parenthood (with apprehension, of course) has already been such a deep and profound experience for me. I feel like I am right smack in the middle of my life. And going through this feels like the right thing at the right time. All of this came to me this weekend.

We went to a service for my partner’s step-dad’s friend, whom he has known for 60 years, since junior high. This wasn’t a touchy, feely event for us, as this man was eccentric and cantankerous, but we went to support her step-dad and mom as well as the man’s wife, who is a wonderful woman. The service was at the couple’s house, an enormous and gorgeous Santa Fe home, custom built for them. There was a somewhat traditional portion that took place down the hill from their home, where his photo studio was located. There was about 50 people there, his two sons from a previous marriage, her two children from a previous marriage and dozens of friends from all over. My partner’s step-dad started the ceremony and told stories of them throughout the years. And others followed. That lasted for about 1.5 hours and then there was food inside the house and informal socializing. And as I was watching people interact, and thinking about those things you think about when at services such as this, this process that I am right in the middle of felt huge, so much larger than myself. And how I would never come to this realization for myself if I hadn’t been a part of it, by choice or by chance. And I thought about what some of the people who were this man’s peers were going through, experiencing the loss of those people with whom they have experienced life with for years. Sure, I’ve known people who aren’t here anymore, even people my age. But I think there is a probably a certain perspective that is gained when going through loss at the end of life, and it has got to be so mystical or/and magical or/and terrifying, similar to what I am experiencing now.

And these emotions feel a bit overdue for me. There hasn’t been anything to affect me at this level in such a long time for me. I have missed that feeling that seemed to get sparked at the end of high school and just became more and more intense throughout college (maybe it is because I haven’t done any drugs in a really long time). Sure I am constantly amazed that my partner loves me every single day, and she is devoted to me and I to her, and these are great and wonderful feelings but I refer to something that is larger than me. And it feels overwhelming and mysterious and like I am about to step into a journey that is about to turn me upside down.

19w May 1, 2008

Last night, when we arrived home, there was a package at our doorstep. It was stamped from QVC. I knew it was from my mom. I couldn’t help getting a little excited about its contents, I knew for sure that it had to be for the baby. As I revealed what was inside, my mouth hung open in dismay. It was a battery-operated salad spinner. I know I should have seen the humor in it. But I found none. None. I was steaming mad. My mother has been sending me useless gadgets from TV shopping channels for years. Actually, not all of them have been useless. Some of them are just a waste of money, money she does not have. In December, she sent me an electronic CD organizer, and when I informed her that I had no use for it, she was hearing none of it. It is still sitting in its box. Somewhere. As is the food chopper. And the carpet steamer. I’ve tried to be appreciative over the years, but somehow, this salad spinner sent me off the deep end. I couldn’t even call her, as I knew she would give me some reason why I had to have this particular item. Never mind we already have a salad spinner, no batteries needed. It just brought into spotlight so many things I have been feeling about her. I don’t want cheapass gadgets made in China. We have a child coming and if she wants to help out, she can just ask what we need. My partner’s parents (mom and step-dad) have been “normal” people about the baby. They gave us some money and a couple of onesies and have offered to hold a shower for us. Thank god for them.

18w4d April 28, 2008

I am really starting to feel better. And I took my last progesterone supplement on Saturday night. So happy about that. Though yesterday I was sitting out with some friends at the park in our development and I totally got sunburned on my leg. This is sacrelig in our house. I don’t know when my legs had last seen the light of day but I felt like wearing shorts and I just forgot to put sunblock on my legs. I just haven’t been used to being outside, especially considering our endless winter of 2008. But it was only about 55 and still April, however, we are at 7,000 feet. So I am in a heck of a lot of pain, my leg at my knee is seriously red, still today. I was screaming in pain as my partner squeezed the aloe on my burn last night. Lesson learned.

We’ve been looking at super cute baby clothes all weekend. My partner’s parents already bought us some items. We opened up the two boxes that her step-sister gave us a few years ago, which included nursing pillows, medela pump, nursing supplies, a baby bjorn and some miscellaneous items. Pretty cool. We are looking at the gliding rockers and are still deciding whether we should just bite the bullet and buy the super ritzy one … money does not grow on trees in this house, but I want a wide chair that is adjustable and comfortable.

We heard the heartbeat on Friday at our OB appointment. That was reassuring. Our next peri appointment is in two weeks. It will be a long two weeks.

18w April 24, 2008

I got an enormous amount of love last night from a friend in L.A. I’ve mentioned him here before, he and I were best friends/roommates-for-some-time and we had a falling out about four years ago but reconciled about a year and a half ago. We hadn’t talked in a bit, as I haven’t really been talking to anyone due to my “condition.” We finally connected on Monday night, though we only spoke for about 5 minutes as he was on his way to dinner. I was able to tell him the baby’s sex and that I’ve started to feel better. Last night we spoke for a while and all he could do was ask me questions about pregnancy/parenthood. It was awesome.

He just knows me so well, and he sees me like no other person does. He recognizes those things about myself that I am most proud of as well as those things I think I hide from other people, there’s no getting anything past him. He is a gay male, in a 10-year relationship, and is not interested in being a parent. He asked me many personal questions, and I didn’t feel like I had to keep my guards up, I could be totally honest about my feelings. He told me that he is more excited about this baby than he was about any of his nieces or nephews (he is Latino and has four sisters, if that gives you any indication about the size of his family). It was so incredibly touching. He wants to plan the baby shower, with a four piece string quartet as well as a male and female stripper (he is an eccentric, obviously). He acknowledged that we are family and he feels like I will be the only one in his/our “group” who will be a parent so we have to seriously celebrate. And he wants to come here and be here during the birth and help us with anything we need.

I just felt very supported and especially considering the feelings I have been having about my mom, it is like the universe was listening to me.